I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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