oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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