don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Randomize
