Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
