Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
