Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
