Why are handjobs necessary in class?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
