the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
