I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Randomize
