just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
