you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
