There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
