My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
