Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
