On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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