i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
