1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
