I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Randomize
