mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
