last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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