the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
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