it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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