just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
