The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
