Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
