____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
