I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
