Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Randomize
