I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Randomize
