You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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