She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
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