dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
