come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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