A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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