The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
