just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
