I wish my penis had an off switch
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
