Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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