i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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