Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
