We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
