fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I think a kid would responsible me up
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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