I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
