You're like the curious george of whores
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
