I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Randomize
