and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
