I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
