also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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