apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
