please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
