I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Enjoy the penises
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
