so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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