I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
