i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
