That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
