12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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